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2001-09-28 | 4:09 p.m.

Man, I am such a loser. I can't get anything done. I have to write two caps by the end of the day, which is in, uh, 45 minutes. That isn't going to happen, but I always figure if I can't make the business end-of-day, I really REALLY need to make the cosmic end-of-day, and I wonder if I'm going to pull that off, either.

Tomorrow morning, we have to have the girls at their soccer game by 7:45. Then Criminy has a ballet lesson at 10:45. Jasper is also eligible for a ballet lesson at 9 a.m., but I'm not sure we can swing it with the one car. Yesterday was Jasper's third birthday and he had a swell one, though low-key. A low-key birthday is really just fine for a three-year-old.

Had a crying spaz yesterday because my mother told me my niece got her feelings hurt over something I said at the girls' party. So apparently that's been festering for a month. I made jokes about the gifts Bambi gave the girls and everyone was up in arms. She gave them these outfits--I thought she was going for something exaggerated, a la Ann Margret in Las Vegas, but apparently it was a completely serious gift of black bell-bottom, hip-hugger polyester pants with rhinestone detail at the cuff and shaggy polyester crop tops in vivid orange and red made from shag-carpet-style knit. Of course Bambi says nothing to me about it but then Diane picks it up and has been snarly to me ever since. After I thought about it, I called my Mom and reminded her that Bambi never even took home the gift I gave Rojo for Xmas last year, because it was a doll. It was a BOY doll with camouflage pants and a flat-top haircut (like Rojo's) and with a plastic spider and snake for his toys, but still it was a DOLL and might, you know, turn him into a homosexual and therefore must not ever cross the threshold of their home. She didn't say that but he didn't like it so she didn't even take it with them. God forbid the little shit have an opportunity to play with a doll and learn some empathy. I told my Mom, "See? It goes both ways," and she said she would mention it to them and I insisted that she NOT mention it. It would only make things worse. Then we all met at my Mom's for cake for Jasper's birthday and everyone was nice to everyone else.

Though we are close in age there is (and always has been) a cultural divide between me and Bambi that I cannot bridge--in fact I wouldn't want to bridge it, and--importantly--neither would she. We get along pretty well but it is hard for both of us not to judge each other's choices. I suppose there are bound to be these problems along the way. I do wish Diane wouldn't always be so quick to take offense. So ready to fan the flames.

I'm so self-absorbed it's a real problem for me. Ever since I had kids I have more of a tendency to just roll along assuming everything is fine and then if I find out things are not fine and haven't been fine, I'm completely flummoxed.

A few days ago Diane got really snippy with me about my assignment and I didn't even understand where she was going with it. I had had my Mom watch the kids while I went in to a board meeting in the city, and after visiting for a few minutes, I said, Okay, kids, let's get going, I still have to do some work to do at home, and Diane was all, "Isn't that a LOT of work?" and I said, warily, Yeah, but I have to evaluate a bunch of computer systems and she jerks her head at Duff and says, "Isn't that what HE's supposed to do?" and I just said yeah and left. Because I could tell she was in some kind of psychotic state and I didn't want to hang around to find out where it was coming from. What I thought of saying was Well how much work would YOU do for four grand? which would have been just like throwing lighter fluid on the situation. But I held my tongue and left.

I think that's part of the reason why they hate me. When things get bad, I can just leave. And I do.

Well, we will see what happens at Christmas. They don't like to have holiday dinners at my house--Diane would prefer to host all holiday parties and used to do so, to the extent that I wasn't even allowed/encouraged to bring a dish of my own making. But now that there are 13 of us in the immediate family (16 if Damien brings his girlfriend and her two kids), Mom and Diane's apartment is too small. Our house is the only one with enough space to accommodate us for more than an hour or two. We did Jasper's cake at my Mom's last night but only because I didn't feel like cleaning up.

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