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2001-08-07 | 9:40 a.m.

Jasper: I want juice.
Me: You may have milk or water.
Jasper: I want juice.
Me: No juice. Milk or water. Choose one.
Jasper: I want juice one.
Me: No. Milk or water.
Jasper: I want juice one.
Me: No. You may have milk, or you may have water.
Jasper: I want ju-u-u-u-uice!
(voice spirals into high-pitched squeal of agony; he walks outside)

(three minutes passes)

Jasper: I want to play my game.
Me: You can't play your game, because you bit your sister. Remember? You bit your sister who loves you.
(I pick him up and hold him in my lap)
Jasper: I just want to nurse.
Me: Can I make you a cup of milk?
Jasper: Yeah.

Last Saturday, we went to a birthday party for a little girl who was turning six. Afterward, I had a freakout. I tried to write about this in a long version but it just kept getting longer and longer, so here is the quick and dirty version.

We went to a birthday party for Lindsay Must. I am friends with her mother, Melissa. Lindsay, age 6, was throwing a tantrum when we arrived and progressed through a series of tantrums, without pause, for the next three hours. Having known Lindsay and her mother for almost a year, I was not particularly surprised by her behavior, as she throws tantrums often. Also, I've noticed that being around her mother and other family members seems to bring out the worst in her. Lindsay isn't evil, she's just spoiled.

At the party, she was alternately crying and complaining, bossing around the other kids, being loud and obnoxious, being rude to her parents, and lying. At one point, her genteel grandmother turned to me and said, "I can't believe it. She's usually so sweet and shy." I just laughed. Couldn't think of a thing to say. Later, the grandmother said, "It's hard to talk to her about it when you don't want to embarrass her in front of her friends." I said, "Oh, I don't mind embarrassing my kids in front of their friends." But at that moment, Lindsay was being quite loud and I don't think she heard me.

Perhaps it was a bit of bravado, anyway. I would probably (though not necessarily) take my kid aside, away from the party, and make it very clear that bad behavior would earn her absence from the party, and if the behavior got too bad, the party would end. I'm not a perfect parent, and my kids aren't perfect, either, but they know that if I say "the party will end," it is a very real possibility. I have followed through on my threats before. Many times. I've walked away from shopping carts in the grocery store---even in line. I felt guilty about it, because I didn't always have time to put all the groceries back, but there comes a point when you cannot listen to a whiny kid for one more minute. I've walked out of restaurants mid-meal to sit in the car with my unruly prodigy. This has happened not once or twice but more like ten or twelve times. One time, I was sooo hungry and I'd only eaten two bites of my dinner when I felt I should take one of them out. Grrr! But I wanted to make the point absolutely clear then so that I would not have to continue to try to make it for years to come. You make the sacrifice in the short term so you can enjoy the long term.

What I wish I had had the nerve to tell that grandmother was that it's just as embarrassing (if not more so) to make an ass of yourself in front of your friends and extended family as it is to be taken aside and disciplined by your parents.

But don't listen to me. I learned all my parenting skills from dog-training manuals.

Well, I have more to say about this birthday party crisis but I'm going to take a break, do some dishes, put on a bra in anticipation of the fix-it man's arrival, and then I'll come back.

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