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2002-12-10 | 3:38 p.m.

I am so bummed. I look around the house and I feel completely overwhelmed by how much work it will take to set it to rights. Duff's parents are coming for Christmas. Last time they were here they threatened to sell the house out from under us if it wasn't in better shape. So is it in better shape? No, not really. Will it be in better shape two weeks from now? I don't know, maybe. I'd write to FlyLady and ask her to pray for me, but I don't believe in the power of prayer. I'm not sure what to do, really. Oh, I know, I should work on the house, but it also seems like the more I do the worse it looks.

The other thing that's bothering me, more than I'd like to admit, is that Duff's mother has said to Duff--twice now--that they think it would be "fine" to simply order Christmas dinner from a grocery store. I take some exception to this, but can't address it directly because they are not saying it to me directly. I feel offended because somewhere in there, I am certain, is some sort of editorial comment about me and my cooking, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Is it that they don't like my cooking? Is it that they think I prepare too much food; waste too much money on the meal? (When we ate Christmas dinner at their house, she served each person two small slices of pork tenderloin, a scoop of mashed potatoes, green beans, and a piece of pie. I felt like I was in prison.) Is it that they don't want to eat anything I make because they think our messy house renders our food unfit to eat? I don't know exactly, but it's something like that. I like to cook for the holidays. Or at least I used to. Now I feel like whatever I used to be I am no longer. I am just supposed to fade into the woodwork. My feelings are hurt and I don't know what to do. I keep going back and forth between swearing that I'll just cook anyway, in spite of them, and deciding that I don't want to cook for people who don't want to eat my food so I should let them order their skanky old grocery-store dinner and be in a snit about it for the whole day and then sneak out afterward to eat Chinese with my Mom.

Whether it should or not, the whole business is making me miserable.

And now Duff tells me that his Mom bought some crappy digital camera that requires USB, and since she doesn't have USB on her computer, she wants us to give back the Nikon digital camera they loaned us three years ago and use the new garbage one instead.

Which makes me feel physically ill.

I know I should just be happy for the time I had the camera but instead I feel really bad about losing it when I was having so much fun. We'll never be able to afford one ourselves, not anytime soon, and now I will have NO digital camera because I'm too stubborn and proud to use the junky one.

So bleh. Everything sucks. Can't wait for January.

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