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2001-11-23 | 11:00 p.m.

Ever seen an Internet bumper sticker? Here's my favorite:


I was in Costco tonight imagining being interviewed. Do you do this? I've done it for so long I'm barely even aware of it. It's sort of the publicity junket I do for the movie of my life that is running through my head at all times. I just let my subconscious ask the questions and then answer them. But tonight, one of the questions stopped me in my tracks. "Do you know Jonathan Franzen?" Ooh, how to answer that.

I'm probably a bit too lowbrow for Jonathan Franzen. Bit of a dig there, but truthful.

I think I'm a little too Oprah for the likes of Jonathan Franzen. Hmm, even more prickly, though less truthful. I'm not Oprah, but there's room in my heart for Oprah.

Maybe better not to invoke Oprah. I've never met him, and if I did, I probably wouldn't make a good impression. Now that's the damn truth. Any time I feel like I'm expected to perform or impress someone, I say exactly the wrong things. It's perverse and aggravating. Besides, I knew guys like him in Iowa, and they weren't particularly friendly to me, either. Bleh.

No. I don't really have any famous friends. Now that's the bone truth. And I never will, because of aforementioned behavior. Though of course I have met famous people. And I don't want to make my friends sound like they're not important.

Most of my friends are writers, but all still in the garret, for the most part. Too cryptic.

No, I don't know him. Most of my friends are writers, but not famous ones. What if Leo saw that? Well, sorry Leo, but you're not really famous. Not yet, anyway.

I have lots of writer friends. But most of my friends are ordinary people ... half the people I know I met on the Internet. This is true, but sounds sort of pathetic.

Even the father of my children. More pathetic still, unless followed up by fun redemptive story. Unfortunately, there is none.

...

And then I started getting mushy, thinking, Man, I'm so lucky to have all my friends and then all my Diaryland friends! (And if you think I'm not talking about you, you're wrong! Because I am.) I would take the time now to write long, impassioned odes to all my friends, but unfortunately, Jasper is awake and needs to get back to sleep, so it will have to wait for another time.

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