prev good night, ladies next
1999-11-21 | 23:16:11

Frank calls at 10 and we talk about my work, how to do it, how to write reviews, be an editor, write a book. On and on. It is delicious. I love to talk about myself and my work. Duff rounds up the girls and reads to them in their bedroom. I lie down in my room with Jasper and nurse him in the dark, still talking on the phone. The door is shut. He is asleep when Felony comes into the room, climbs on the bed, climbs on me, blows on my belly to make fart noises. Wakes up Jasper. Duff is calling her from the other room. Jasper climbs down off the bed and starts running down the hall. I chase him, start changing his diaper while I'm on the phone. Felony bounces around, Duff is shouting at her, and she starts crying and clinging to me.

"I'd better go," I say, and hang up.

As soon as I've hung up the phone, Duff is shouting at me. I've been on the phone for an hour. I feel ambushed. What did I do wrong? It's bedtime for the kids, but I was lying down with Jasper in the dark. "Why can't you...?" he says. Was it my voice, was I too loud? Apparently. I want to burn the whole house down. He keeps saying I should've told Frank I'd call him later. As if I stay up forever. He acts like I do this every night, all the time. I want to run away. Pull the kids out of preschool so I don't have to work so much to pay for it. No time is a good time to be off the clock. We cannot agree that I am or am not an asshole. There is no acceptable time to work, or play. I was talking too loud, but I wasn't talking loud. I wasn't whispering, either. I shouldn't have been talking at all. I should have been silent, in the dark, preparing for sleep. Quiet because Duff has to get up early in the morning, don't I remember that? No, I forgot. I wasn't looking at the clock. It was dark, and I was thinking about myself. My work.

prev archive next
0 comments