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2001-11-07 | 9:43 a.m.

In the grocery store parking lot last night, I looked up at the night sky, noticed the crisp fall air and the dried leaves whirling on the tree limbs, and caught myself thinking, "Must be getting on toward Halloween."

Evidently, I am not living in the moment. This is not news. So what do I DO about it? My life isn't right. I'm sure I've talked about stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off before, but to me, it is no mere slogan. I really desperately wish for things to stop so I can get caught up. But of course, that's not a possibility. Even when things slow down, I'm listless and unproductive. So I think, okay, what CAN I do? Well, start at the beginning and do one thing at a time. Eat better, get enough sleep, get some exercise. Those things I can understand, at least, whether I accomplish them or not. But the rest of it is a mystery to me. What should I be doing first around the house? We run out of staples and I wonder how it's possible, when I'm going to the store practically every day to buy things we've run out of the day before. If I spend $40-$100 every day, buying only things we always get, shouldn't I reach saturation fairly soon? Of course, it's easy to run out of things when you are being mindless. Like when you leave meat out to defrost, but cook something else, then forget to put the defrosted meat back in the fridge and it stays out all night. Or when you forget to put away laundry and the incontinent dog climbs into the basket and sleeps on all your clean clothes. That's a good way to run out of spot remover.

One thing that occurs to me is that I get this way when I have something on my to-do list that I DON'T want to do. Right now it's almost certainly the Quark layout project. I just don't know what I'm doing with it, and I want it to go away. I just need to work on it, make some progress, do what I can do, and have as much done as I can until Birgit can take over. At that time, I can decide whether it's time to bow out completely. I make a lousy volunteer. Too inconsistent. I even forgot to go to the school reading lab yesterday. Sometimes I think I must be the worst mother in the whole school. Better than no mother, perhaps, but not much.

Yesterday, I was so befuddled by the morning that I gave the girls $20 to buy lunch. When they came home, they had neither change nor extra lunch tickets. I make a fuss about it, but part of me is also thinking, Who the hell gives their first-grader $20 to buy lunch? An alcoholic, that's who! Maybe I should pretend to be an alcoholic, and then people would understand me. I'm not an alcoholic, I barely drink, but otherwise I make no sense to myself or anyone else. I'm just this ridiculous person who can't manage anything.

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