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2004-10-16 | 12:49 p.m.

Feel so bummed out. Tired all the time, even now, and I just got up an hour ago. I have my period, so that's part of it, but it's been going on for a while now. Plus I keep screwing up on my meds; taking my first dose mid-day and then forgetting to take a second dose. All these things are external reasons but there is also lack of want involved. I don't care about anything and anything don't care about me.

Everything seems so screwed up. Why bother.

My list of obligations gets longer and longer. I keep not doing things and sometimes I feel bad about it but the rest of the time I don't feel anything at all.

There is a party tonight and I can't imagine myself going. Another tomorrow, same thing. Should I just say I'm sick? It's almost like I'm sick. I don't feel bad, exactly, just tired beyond tired. Just thinking about how tired I am makes me feel more tired. I know that sounds absurd, but it's true. As I typed the sentence, I kept looking at the bed. My sheets and pillowcases now are bright red, the color of love, and that's exactly what I'm feeling toward my bed.

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