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2000-09-30 | 04:53:31

Frustrated with my mindlessness lately. Deeply mindless, even driving for miles with my eyes slightly out of focus.

I seem to be the same person I was at 11 or 12 years old. Except I've lost the sex drive.

One other thing that's different is that then, I had no regrets. Really for years, well into my twenties, I couldn't think of a single thing to regret. How much has changed. Now I think of things I've said, things I said years ago, and I feel disturbed by them. I hear myself saying tactless and hurtful things to people I cared about and still care about, and I can't shake the guilt and remorse. I'm talking about years in between, so much so that I wonder how much of it I really said and did and how much of it is my dream mind making it up. I'm not sure I could have been so consistently horrible. I know there must have been times when I was quiet, or pleasant, or polite, but there's no room for that in my memory. It's always a Tourette's me flailing indiscriminately. Me and my inopportune mouth. My uncouth. Always for a laugh. My injudicious mouth.

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