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2002-08-21 | 12:42 a.m.

Once upon a time, the girls had manners. Not on a scale that Judith Martin would approve, perhaps, but still, they were able to make judgments that were recognizable as manners.

Early on, I hesitated to ask them to be more "ladylike" because I had my heart set on turning out little Mia Hamms, not little Wallis Simpsons. But now that they seem to have evolved into a couple of little Nellie Olesons, I see the error of my ways--and I grieve.

Last night at dinner I told the girls that while I did not require them to actually become ladies, it would mean a great deal to me if they would behave more like ladies.

So this morning I awoke to the sound of Felony, just outside my bedroom door, shouting behind gritted teeth: "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T START ACTING LIKE A REAL LADY!!!!!!!!!"

To which her sister, not to be outdone, replied in kind: "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T START ACTING LIKE A REAL LADY!!!!!!!!!"

I'm thinking this is going to take a bit of work.

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