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2001-07-27 | 10:12 a.m.

Stayed up til 1:30 in the morning and never did finish that review. Then Criminy wakes up at 3:30 crying because she's constipated. I tell her, if you eat less cheese and drink more water, you won't get constipated. (She had a brick of cheese out on the table yesterday and just kept cutting slices from it.) She vows she will never eat cheese again. I say that isn't necessary, just eat it in moderation. No, she'll never eat cheese again. (The two girls are in the kitchen as I write this, making toast. I hear Felony say, "Can I have one?" and Criminy says, "You can have the one that's burnt.")

I'm thinking I shouldn't allow them to eat anything for breakfast that inspires an actual victory dance, as the cinnamon toast did for Jasper.

But then again, cinnamon toast should be enough to inspire joy. Or, more precisely, I want my kids to derive pleasure from simple things. Not necessarily food (though that was and is my own guilty pleasure), but lots of things. This morning after dropping off my sister at work, instead of taking the freeway home we drove the undeveloped back way. When I was younger I put a lot of stock in the yellow hills that surround this area. Whenever I saw them, I felt that I was home. But they've built so many new housing developments that I have to go out of my way to find yellow hills. But they were there this morning, in all their glory. As I drove along, I would say, "cows on the left," or "horses on the right," and it was exciting for the kids to see these animals. I like it that way.

In the shower this morning I was thinking about how much more my kids have than I ever had, and how I need to really keep a tight rein on that. We're gearing up for their birthday party and I want to try to avoid spending $300 on it, like I did for their third and fourth parties (on their fifth birthday, we did manage to keep things low-key, but we went to the park. This time we'll probably stay home. I thought about going to the Jungle, but another mother told me she spent $400 on her daughter's party there last year).

It's really important to me that my kids not become fatuous greedy idiots, and I have to remind myself to think about everything they do and whether it's appropriate not just at the moment, but in the big picture. Plus I have to set a good example, which is not the easiest thing in the world for me. We didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up, but my mother spoiled me within the context of our lives, so I always felt spoiled. And I am still spoiled today. So it's a challenge for someone like me to try to raise children who don't think they are the center of the universe.

One thing that's hard for me to fathom is how I can simultaneously think of my children as spoiled (or at least overindulged) and underprivileged. There's still so much I want to do for them that I can't. I wish they could go to a good private school, for one thing. But even if I had the money, and I would probably have to take a full-time job just to pay for sending all three kids to a good private school) there isn't a good private school in our area. Most people around here send their kids to Catholic schools, but I can't do that. (Yes, I know that lots of people who aren't Catholic send their kids to Catholic school, but we "aren't Catholic" in a pretty vociferous way.) One thing I've thought about is getting my degree all sorted out (I still have to take one class to finish my degree; it's only been, what, ten years?) so I can teach. Maybe if I found a good private school, I could get a gig teaching there and that would give us a break on tuition.

But instead of dwelling on what they don't have, I really should bear in mind how much they do get. They take dance lessons and I never got to take lessons of any kind. I did play one season of Little League, the first year they allowed girls in, but I was no good at it. (I could hit well in practice but I choked in the games.) I went to Disneyland when I was five, ten, and sixteen, and I felt privileged to have gone so often. My girls have been to both Disneyland and Disney World in the past year and a half, and they're not even six yet. They've also been to Great America, Legoland, fairs, carnivals, the Lawrence Hall of Science, COSI (the science museum in Toledo, Ohio), two different pumpkin patches, and a Christmas tree lighting in San Francisco. They've been flower girls in a wedding, they've performed in dance recitals, and they've been to North Carolina, Michigan, Florida, Los Angeles, and Monterey. We have wondered (seriously) whether we should start tracking them for frequent flyer mileage.

They get to live with their father. That's at least as good as ballet lessons.

Look at me, just writing and writing and writing. I do find I write best when I'm on deadline. Unfortunately, the thing I write best is almost never the thing I'm on deadline with. Maybe I ought to get going on that review for a while. I'll be back soon, I'm sure.

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