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2002-07-21 | 3:37 p.m.

God, I feel lousy. I was taking that Adderall and the doctor shorted me on the original prescription. When I figured it out, I quick made another appointment, but the "soonest we can fit you in" turned out to be Friday at 5:30 p.m. Needless to say, the new prescription he wrote turned out to be useless for five kinds of nothing reasons that I can sort out. So now I am off the medication, cold turkey, and I feel like shit just as I knew I would. I am so SICK of this whole ridiculous bullshit, you have no idea. I'm so mad, so upset, but I don't want to think about it too much because my head hurts. What makes me mad--oh, here she goes, against her own advice, and the tears well up--is that everybody else in this cheesy melodrama is a health-care professional. Me, I'm the amateur. But somehow I've got to learn more than everybody else to make sure I don't get screwed. And still, I get screwed anyway.

Why can't the doctor, who is nothing but a fucking pusher anyway, why can't he get this headache? Maybe then he would take a little interest. I want to call him up and scream at him, but there's no way to get him on the phone. Instead, I have to talk to his fucking office assistant, whose mental age seems to be about five, and no matter how upset I am or how awful I feel I have restrain myself and come across as a perfectly pleasant person. Otherwise, otherwise what? Otherwise she will do something. I'm not sure what. She will lie to me, get me off the phone and promise to call me back, anything to thwart me.

But I can't talk to anyone on the weekend, because nobody exists on the weekend.

I know I sound paranoid but I don't care.

So of course I am saying to myself, Get off this fucking drug! Better to be your old loser do-nothing self than to let yourself wind up in this position again--let them PUT me in this position again. But I also know that I am very weak. My willpower is nothing. I quit smoking and my willpower says that was it, that was your gift for life and now it wants to be left alone.

You know what else bugs me? since I'm on this loosey-goosey headachey rant. It seems like one thing that would really help me would be to go to a different doctor. Someone who maybe cared the tiniest bit. I know it's probably too much to expect a doctor to care about me, me personally, but maybe just someone who cares vaguely about the patients. Maybe because they fear malpractice suits, whatever. It doesn't have to be a noble reason. So what I would like to do is get a recommendation for a good doctor, right? So here's the thing. There is a list of recommendations available from the CHADD people. They are a member organization for people with ADD. But in order to see the recommendations, I have to pay them fucking $45 in membership fees. I don't want to give them $45! Geez, doesn't anybody ever do anything out of the goodness of their hearts anymore? It makes me mad, so mad I definitely don't want to join their organization. Even if I did join, it's not like I would be going to their fucking meetings, so they would just be charging me $45 for a doctor's recommendation. Which is wrong. I don't know much about anything but I really do feel that it is wrong to withhold that kind of information. If I had some other fucking problem, you can bet there'd be web sites offering doctor recommendations for free. But no, I have to wind up with the fucking greedmongers.

Not that I'm not thankful to have a non-problem like this. I am thankful. So fuck all of them. I would rather be a non-productive loser than have a real disease. Whatever's wrong with me never actually HURT until the experts got involved, so fuck them all. They can all go straight to hell.

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