prev don't rain on my parade next
2001-07-04 | 2:06 a.m.

We took Jasper to the parade in B--- this evening. While we were watching, a quarrel broke out right behind us. This woman, this harridan with long bleached-out hair and black glasses, overweight, was stumbling around in a lime-green shirt and white Capri pants (and me hating her instantly, listening to a tape loop in my head screaming "that's you! that's you in ten years!" and me simultaneously trying to deny it to myself and suspecting that I already look like her)---anyway, she was screaming "Get off my property!" to this guy, who was right up in her face, telling her what an asshole her son was. She screamed, "Excuse me? Excuse me?" The son was a big roly-poly teenager, huffing and puffing and slinging around a SuperShooter, one of those enormous water guns. Mother and son walked off to call police. I noticed an aluminum lawn chair sitting upright, but tilting to one side. The grandmother, with tomato-red hair, came out and stood guard right above where the man was again sitting, on the retaining wall. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot and tried to look like the toughest 70-year-old broad in town. He ignored her. He wanted to watch the parade. It was like a One-Minute Mystery, but I think I was able to correctly deduce what happened.

Man and family sit on retaining wall to watch parade. Fat boy in lawn chair sprays parade man and family with SuperShooter. Man tells fat boy to stop; fat boy continues because it's "his" property (though he doesn't actually tell parade man to leave). Parade man loses his temper and chases after fat boy with SuperShooter, who jumps out of the lawn chair so quickly and awkwardly that it partially collapses. Blonde harridan mother sees parade man chasing fat boy and has psychotic maternal episode. Screams repeatedly that everyone must get off her property. Calls police, who seem to side with parade man.

When you are dealing with police, everything depends upon seeming like the most reasonable person in the room. It is fine to be righteous as long as you are also self-effacing. Bombast will get you nowhere with the police.

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