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2000-06-27 | 03:01:59

Having a little bit of a freakout tonight. Need to get over it. Need to get through it and past it. Into the great beyond.

I get too many things going through my head and then I get exposed to something and it makes me feel small and I'm like Dorothy's house flying around in the tornado and there's furniture and cows and witches on bicycles flying around and I can't find anything to hold on to. I need a mental anchor or an antenna and there isn't anything.

This is the thing: I am the sort of person who likes to have one goal. Right now I have a bifurcated goal (book, magazine) and pretty soon, I get exposed to something--a magazine article or a phone call can set me off--and suddenly my ideas get real fuzzy and I can't remember why they seemed important and everybody else seems SO focused and so talented and so successful and I'm just like, fuck, what am I doing? Is there a hole here I can crawl into and stay there for the next seven years or so? Everything keeps flying around, I can't hold on to one idea, one sense of myself and what I want to do, and I feel like Shit, I've got TWO goals! One of them has to go!! My little boat starts taking on water and all of a sudden I'm bailing like crazy.

So I came here just to try to normalize my blood pressure. You think I'm joking but it's the honest truth. I guess it's an anxiety attack. The Anxiety of Influence.

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