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2001-06-23 | 11:57 a.m.

So I read in this Oprah magazine at Shirl's house about this book by Iris Krasnow, called Surrendering to Marriage, not to be confused with the more reactionary book The Surrendered Wife, and then I read about Krasnow in Talk, I think, so I start paying attention to it and then I become Oprah-tized and think, This Makes Sense, and I will try to make things work with Duff and not focus on our differences and arguments when they are just little potholes on the way and besides I would be just as frustrated with any man, just frustrated in slightly different ways. So then I'm being all Oprah and it feels pretty good for a while and then I realize that I'm trying hard not to pay attention to that little man behind the curtain but that little man behind the curtain is hard not to notice. And the little man behind the curtain is Duff's jerk side. He can be a seriously large, animated, and hairy ASSHOLE sometimes and how am I supposed to ignore it? How am I supposed to ignore it forever? Yes, he's nice sometimes. He can be really nice. And most of the time he's just ordinary and we get along fine. But then when he's an asshole it's hard to remember why the nice parts are worth waiting for. Iris Krasnow says, at least in the magazine articles, because I haven't yet read her book and don't know if I will, anyway she says you'll be just as unhappy with some other guy but she doesn't mention what it would be like by yourself. And then I'm reading some other thing and somebody's pointing out how hard it is to be a single parent and how you can't get them out of your life anyway because they dictate where you'll live and when you'll see your kids and holidays and vacations and stuff, and I know that's really true, so then it's back to Iris and lumping it. But I HATE lumping it. I don't want to put up with assholishness at all.

I told all this to Fiona and she told me about her friend who left her husband and then married some other guy and now is deliriously happy. She and her new husband never fight, they are like two lovebirds in a nest. Which is so irritating. I'd like to have that with somebody but I don't think it's very likely. Maybe I just bring out the worst in people.

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