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2003-06-16 | 9:42 a.m.

The last few weeks of insanity are over. I now return to my regularly scheduled programming.

It's summer, I get summer!! I'm excited.

In the morning, Criminy will fly to Michigan with her grandparents for three weeks. Will she miss me? It's hard to call. She says she likes the smell of me when I'm not wearing deodorant, especially in the morning, even though sometimes the smell is quite strong. That she will miss, she says.

She's a strange little hedonist, that one. Though I confess, in my best Irish accent, I like it too.

Yes, I like the smell of real unadulterated people, especially if I'm fond of them, though I understand the idea is repulsive to many others. Weirdos.

Someday I will be able to bend Criminy to my will by threatening to reveal how, as a child, she liked to fart in bed and then pull the covers over her head so she could smell it. But that day has not yet come; she doesn't find it embarrassing yet, only funny.

Ernest Borgnine was married to Ethel Merman for just 32 days, and in the divorce papers, Merman revealed that during the marriage, Borgnine had subjected the Broadway star to the indignity of the "Dutch Oven." What a prankster. I wonder if Borgnine learned his lesson, or if Tova has simply proved more indulgent than Ethel. After marrying Borgnine, the elegant Tova started developing her successful line of fragrances and perfumed skin creams. Coincidence?

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