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2002-05-29 | 12:59 p.m.

The therapist says I am a writer and I have three kids and that should be my primary concern. He says I should try to steal time for my writing and that should be my number one priority. Because I am a writer who doesn't feel good when I am not writing. He also said he supports my homeschooling plan.

I feel almost guilty pleasure in this, as if I am a lawyer who has convinced a jury of something that isn't really true through the force of my argument.

Of course I want him to believe me and be on my side, and then when it actually happens, I feel funny about it. I feel like Duff (or somebody else, some random judgmental person) wouldn't agree with his assessment, even though I cannot precisely predict the way in which he or anyone else would disagree.

But I do tend to think he would find something wrong with it. I imagine that he would think I haven't told the therapist "the whole story," or something along those lines. I also think Duff is and wants to be supportive. But it's hard for him to accept me on my own terms. I mean, who could? But still I can only be the person I am.

Just knowing all this makes me not want to tell Duff what the therapist said. I think I ought to be able to tell him things but I am afraid he will take it away from me somehow. Chip away at it, or something. Cast aspersions.

I think he would say that's not true. Not at all. He loves me, he is supportive, but. There is always a 'but' in there somewhere. He would say there has to be because of the way I am.

I think he tries to pathologize me. I wouldn't even go so far as to say it's deliberate. But it happens. Maybe because it allows him to feel more normal, more stable?

Here's the way I feel. I cannot be completely honest with Duff. Like say I told him what I said, up above. I could easily see him taking the stance that BECAUSE I feel a little guilty about what the therapist said, it proves that I haven't told the therapist the correct information, which would have allowed him to come up with a proper understanding of my situation.

But I think it isn't true. Feeling guilty or undeserving is just one of my traits, and I do recognize it as being a kind of false negative. In other words, I have a negative thought that isn't accurate, and I see it as such, but that doesn't mean I can make the thought go away. If I mention that I'm having the thought, that's just me acknowledging the feeling. It's not the same as saying, Oh, this feeling is obviously the TRUTH, because I feel it, and that's why I mentioned it. No.

I think most of my friends get that about me. But Duff often takes me at my word, and sometimes he jumps to conclusions. I'm not trying to say that in a derogatory way. I think it is a reasonable thing to do, but it is not particularly useful on me. It leads to him making assumptions about how I view myself that are baseless. And if I tell him that they're baseless, he'll quote me back the thing I said to prove to me that I feel differently than the way I say I feel.

Ugh, ugh, ugh. If you've read this far, accept my apologies for having had to wade through this dreck. I'm just trying to get some things down.

Okay, and the other thing that happened at the therapist's was that I told him everything that happened with Duff's parents, and I tried to be fair to them while also expressing my anger, and he said they were way over the line (yay!) and that I should just stay put, try to make a few repairs on the house here and there when I can, and not let them get to me.

It was fucking great.

He also said, "And how OLD are these people?"

And he said a bunch of other stuff that I will try to remember later.

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