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2004-05-17 | 4:45 p.m.

I sure can mess things up. I�ve been feeling depressed and run down for weeks now. Even while I was in Seattle I would find myself enervated and unable to explain why. I don�t care about things I ought to care about. I don�t want to get out of bed in the morning. Usually that�s not true at this time of year.

I�m chronically dehydrated and I get cramps in weird places, like in between my fingers, or just above my elbow. There is a tiny mole on the back of my calf that I must have scratched in my sleep, because the other day I noticed it was painful and bleeding. My bad shoulder�s aching again. Mysterious, long-lived bruises keep turning up on my arms. Nothing serious, just signifiers. Years ago, when the crank handle would fall off the gear mechanism that raised and lowered the car window, we would just keep it handy and slide it on whenever we needed to use it. Just because a car was old didn�t mean you could afford to get another. My friend Dusty learned how to start her car by whacking the solenoid with a screwdriver. Once my sister was driving a van down the steepest hill in town when her brakes went out. At the bottom of the hill was a busy cross-street, which the van poured into like spilled paint while she hoped and prayed no cars would be passing by at that moment. Luckily, there were none, and she drove on. She probably didn�t even go home right away. Her success was all artful shifting and dumb luck.

Keep telling myself to check on the symptoms of diabetes.

The sheriff came three different mornings, at 7:30 a.m., to deliver the paper that commands me to show up for jury duty. On the third day, I was home, and I stood on the porch in my makeshift pajamas, holding Pippi, and received my summons. He was nice and wanted to hold Pippi, too. He said he and his wife had gotten rid of their chickens in preparation for an upcoming move to Oregon. He was only staying around here long enough to see his daughter through the last year of high school and the first year of community college. She�s the type who won�t go unless he makes her. He also said we have a very cool cat, and if we ever wanted to get rid of him, to give him a call. He had one just like Rufus but the coyotes got it.

Then a couple days later a Sapphic young police cadet came to the door and said someone called about the green car, and could I please drive it one mile or risk having it towed at my expense? So that meant all day yesterday cleaning out the front of the garage in preparation for the car. But first we had to get in a big argument.

Blah. Maybe I should learn some yoga. Promised myself I�d put the weights in the fireplace, to help me remember to use them. Sometimes it feels like I can barely move. Can barely hold up my head. My back, in the morning, you wouldn�t believe how bad it aches. Well, maybe you would. I don�t know what other people�s backaches are like. I go into Costco and collapse on the high-end mattresses they�re displaying this month. I wish there were such a thing as lifelong layaway. I guess that�s what a credit card is.

Last day of school is June 8th or something like that. Maybe that will help. Even though I plan to keep on homeschooling during the summer. At least I won�t have meetings.

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