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2001-05-09 | 8:27 a.m.

Okay, apparently I was overinterpreting the eighth commandment. (Started to write eighth amendment, duh.) According to Duff, who was confirmed in the Lutheran Church, the eighth commandment simply forbids lying and while I think of myself as a forthright person, I can't pretend I've never done it. So the official tally must be nine commandments broken. Wow, nine commandments broken without even trying. I'm not even breathing hard. If I were a Christian, I'd probably feel pretty bad about myself right now. I might want to self-flagellate or something. (Notice that "coveting thy neighbor's house" is a commandment you're not supposed to break, while self-flagellation is a big go.) If you're looking for a new set of commandments, here's my stab at it (includes corny bumper stickers):

1. First, do no harm, except in self-defense. That includes the shrubbery.

2. Take responsibility for your actions and try to do your best.

3. Live simply, so that others may simply live.

4. Be kind and tolerant, but also sensible and firm.

5. Honor your parents, teach your children, and protect your family.

6. Be a good neighbor, and contribute to the betterment of the community.

7.

Shit, my Mom just called to tell my sister got arrested. Fuck.

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