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2000-05-04 | 19:15:37

In a pissy mood today because I got my period. Only my fourth or fifth one in five years (because I've spent so much of that time pregnant or breastfeeding--mostly b'feeding). So everybody's pissing me off. My legs, back, wrists ache and I crave chocolate.

My mother comes to me and asks me to pay her and Diane for babysitting. She says they'll try to keep my house clean as well. She says they asked Bambi to pay, too. She says, "That way, we won't have to ask you to bring us cigarettes or bread." On the word "bread," she sobs and turns her head to the side, dramatically, as if she were an actress on the Lifetime channel. She may have even put the bottom of her palm in her mouth. Big guns.

But I am unmoved. I ask her how much and she says, "whatever you think is fair." Whatever I think is fair is for Diane to stop drinking my mother's social security check, but if I say that, I'm an asshole. I don't like to part with my money under any circumstances, but I especially do not like to hand it over to my drunken sister for booze and cigarettes. I say this to my Mom and she assures me that she's got a foolproof plan for keeping the money out of Diane's hands. I don't believe her for a minute.

I ask her how much they asked Bambi to pay. "Fifty-five or sixty," she says.

Two days later I give them $60 cash. That was yesterday. Today my sister is supposed to come clean my house. On the phone, before I pick her up, she says she has to go to the bank to deposit money. The bank is a few blocks away from my house and across the street from a liquor store. She says, "You can pick me up and then we'll go to your house and you can stay there and work and I'll take Jasper in his stroller and we'll go to the bank. Because he loves his walk. He has to have his walk." This is on the phone, even before I pick her up. She's got it all figured out.

When she gets back to my house, she cleans for a while and then when I drive her home, I can smell the booze on her. I can't even fool myself into thinking it's old, because it's been too many days since she dried out. This is fresh. I gave them money, now I'm broke, and she's drunk. Doesn't that make me the stupidest fuck in the world?

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