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2000-05-01 | 00:37:03

I get these little heart palpitations sometimes, and I say, "Elizabeth! I'm-a coming!" (There's a television reference for those of you who think I don't work in enough pop cultural material.)

I feel like I'm moving toward something. I don't mean death, though that is always on my mind. I mean substance -- meaningful work, a renewal of spirit. But I've said this before and nothing came of it. I should go see the yoga lady again. Let her sprinkle a little fairy dust in my eyes.

I feel like I've got to

1) cut the crap, stop doing stuff I don't want to do

2) do the stuff I do want to do--follow my list

3) work on my health so I stop having heart palpitations

4) focus in, listen to myself, take care of my kids

Does that sound new age enough? I live in California, more Californian than Joan Didion because dumped here, rootless, seeking, yearning.

Stop looking to other people for what you want. Find it HERE, inside yourself. Slow down, do it yourself. You are capable.

I'm going to try homeschooling the kids for the summer. If I like it, I'll keep doing it. Of course, everybody I talk to seems to think that homeschooling is the last fanatical stop before setting yourself on fire, but in my position (no good school option) you might think about it, too. Also, and I hate to say this because I have to be careful about sounding too happy about all this, but there's something tremendously freeing and triumphant about saying No, I'm not going to send my kids to your school. I'm not going to get up early in the morning and throw them into the car and rush them into your indifferent embrace. Instead, I'm going to keep them with me and brainwash them to think for themselves. Someone said, "But what about your novel?" Who knows? Maybe the homeschooling will provide the pressure against which I can write. And of course, after a month or two I might decide I don't have what it takes after all. I'm not exactly a mountain of patience.

Anyway, I have to find a way off this damn computer and back into my own head.

I'm a little spacey and elliptical tonight because I'm tired. Felony is here with me, refuses to sleep, wants to know if I will draw a ballerina. So I draw a ballerina.

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