new old more book profile blog rings host

prev on self-omniscience next
2001-03-24 | 10:42 p.m.

Overwhelming desire to erase previous entry. Not erasing it is, for me, a kind of hairshirt. I punish myself for my arrogance. I dislike the entry because it seems superficial and rushed. I didn't go back over it and edit it down before posting it; I had to take Jasper upstairs and nurse him to sleep. But to erase it, or modify it now, would be so ... what's the word? Full of myself. Self-absorbed, self-important. It's a diary entry, for fuck's sake, but I don't want to come off as a superficial idiot for posterity's sake. I worry. Deep down, I'm concerned about my image. Why is unclear since nobody knows me, I haven't produced any work that's going to make me famous (or even gotten close), and I seriously doubt anybody reads this diary except me. And occasionally Stephen, who more than anyone else alive knows what a superficial idiot I can be.

Part of me understands why I am the way I am, while part of me really hates myself. I know that sounds even more self-absorbed than the other thing but I wanted to say it anyway. I can be very hard on myself. I just hate myself constantly. I pick apart things I've done and said until I'm frantic. I'm mean to myself. I practice emotional abuse upon myself. Yet at the same time, I comfort myself with understanding. I don't know if it is an unhealthy relationship or not. If I were always cheering myself on, that wouldn't be too healthy, would it? I wish I weren't quite so hard on myself sometimes. It's one thing if some asshole comes up to you and says something hurtful, because you can walk away and think "what a jerk!" and eventually forget about it. But it's hard to escape a self-critique. You're going along and something happens and it shows up, unbidden, all-knowing, like God used to, only more so.

prev archive next
0 comments

if you're not reading mawm you're not reading me
random