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2002-03-16 | 10:16 p.m.

Poor Liza Minnelli. Yes, that's right, I feel sorry for Liza. I saw her on ET the other night and they had one sound bite from the groom and it was something like, "I told Liza to lose the weight, and she did it." His voice was all New York duh-thuggery. I tolled huh tuh lose duh weight. And I mean, yu-uck! Is he honestly giving himself credit for this?! First off, no woman who needs to lose weight doesn't realize it, okay? It's only a question of whether your man is going to be the kind of man who makes it an ultimatum. And that's what Liza got. When you are someone like me, you think it would maybe be enough to just be fucking Liza Minnelli, but no. It is never enough.

I saw the pictures of them after the wedding over at Yahoo just now and I have to say, she looked like hell. I think she forgot to put her eyelashes on. Her signature eyelashes! She looked great just the other night, on ET. But post-nuptials she looked like she'd been up crying all night. Maybe she was just on a bender but if so, that's also crossing a personal boundary.

I also want to say that any man who calls upon Michael Jackson to be his best man is, obviously, a man without any friends of his own. Either he doesn't have any friends, or he's willing to throw them over for a chance to have his name printed in the same sentence with Michael Jackson's. Liza, if you want to know what's good for you, honey----fear that!

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