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2002-02-20 | 11:26 a.m.

I want to make my living as a writer but I worry that I do not have enough to offer. That I don�t have enough of value to give. I started to say I�m not very smart, but that�s not quite the problem. I�m smarter than plenty of writers working today. (Probably I would do well to remember this.) But I don�t think about them. Instead I compare myself to people who are way ahead of me on the excellence scale in my mind, and I can�t compare to those people. Because I can�t participate at that level, I get discouraged.

I just opened a press release from Knopf about William H. Gass�s forthcoming essay collection, Tests of Time. Apparently, the Booklist critic wrote that Gass is �a giant among writers,� and that �Each audacious, masterfully crafted, and resounding essay in this collection is grounded in erudition, spiked with a naughty wit, and charged with a trenchant passion for and belief in literature, and each reveals shimmering vistas of Gass�s great intellect and fluent humanitarianism.�

I know it�s pathetic but I would like, more than just about anything, for someone to say that about my writing. (And I�d like it to be true.) But that will never, ever happen. I�m not capable of it. Fuck, I have William Gass�s last two books and I can�t even read them. I can�t understand them. Okay, maybe I haven�t spent enough time trying----I used to feel the same way about Ulysses----but still.

I had this phone conversation with Frank the other day and I really got the impression that he doesn�t think very highly of my ability. I started writing an entry about it but never finished. Actually, I�ve written quite a few lately that I haven�t finished.

***

Okay, enough pissing and moaning. I don�t have the luxury----I don�t intend to allow myself the luxury----of this kind of indulgence. I need to make some fucking money. I want to pay off my student loans; I want to buy new underwear. So it doesn�t really matter how much I suck at this game. Either I keep playing or I find something else to do.

I just talked to my collection representative at Berkeley. It is sobering to think that if there were still debtor�s prison, I�d be in it. She tried to put some heat on me, which is her job, but she knew if she pressed too hard, it would be easy enough for me disappear for another decade. In other loan news, I have made 12 consecutive payments on my main (defaulted) student loan, which means I am eligible for loan rehabilitation. On that loan, at least. I have so many outstanding debts I should give them little cutesy names, like kittens, to keep track.

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