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Huge, mind-altering revelation this morning as a result of banal dream in which I return to high school, only this time I am seventeen again, except I have all the memories and experiences and understanding of my thirty-eight-year-old self. After telling myself all these years that if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't do things differently--because that would change the outcome--I now see that if I really had the last 21 years ahead of me once again, I would go mad trying to recreate every step I took along the way, every stupid decision I ever made. No fucking way! As much as I love my family and my friends, as much as I have to be thankful for, it would be a kind of small torture to live that way. Especially if I knew what was coming all along. No, I would do things much differently, even though it would almost certainly mean I would end up somewhere entirely different. Possibly somewhere considerably worse.
So I've been chewing on that for most of the day. Realized one thing I would do is call up a girl I barely knew in high school and try to convince her that she mustn't move into that beautiful house in Florida or she and her children will be murdered there.
There are other things, of course. Don't know why that came to mind, except that she was a sweet girl who didn't deserve to have her throat cut.
Well, I want to write some New Year's resolutions but I will make a new entry for that.