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2001-11-08 | 2:20 p.m.

I am a wreck. Just completely wrecked. I'd talk to somebody but there's no one to talk to. I talked to my mother and now I have to get together with her first thing tomorrow morning. I don't want to do it---I don't want to do anything---but if I had said no, that would have been bad form because I had just spent the previous 15 minutes screaming at her that nobody in the family can stand me. But I will get out of it somehow. It's bad that I had a screaming match with my mother. I even used the F-word. I never use the F-word with my mother. I feel terrible. Part of the reason I feel terrible is that I gained nothing from it. She doesn't think anything I said has any merit, but now she feels obligated to spend time with me. Which is pretty much what I was objecting to---this feeling that I get on everybody's nerves, and that when they are spending time with me, it's generally out of a sense of obligation. Then my mother throws back in my face the classic You never call just to say hi, which is true but means little given that I never call anyone just to say hi. So we go back and forth for a while, and I say so you mean I only call when I want something from you and she says no, I'm just saying you never call just to say hi and I end up screaming "I NEVER DANCE ON YOUR FUCKING ROOF, EITHER, SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

The whole thing started when I was over there and I suggested that my sister, who had cut her own bangs, give KiKi a call, and she says she doesn't like her. And I'm like huh? And it turns out they both HATE her, because she was "a rude bitch" to them at the girls' birthday party. Here we go again, right? I feel like I'm going along and everything's cool, and then here's a land mine that blows up in my face. I can't stand when this kind of thing happens. It makes me want to hide out, frankly. I try to defend KiKi, but they insist that she was rude. I can't reconcile it with my understanding of KiKi, but neither am I allowed to dispute the facts. So now I'm trying to figure out if my friend has a pronounced personality trait that I have never noticed, or if my family is insane. It's horrible.

I don't want to have Christmas in this house. I can't bear it.

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