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2001-10-25 | 5:16 p.m.

So when I was at the soccer dance the other night, I did something I have been feeling weird about ever since. I was dancing and having fun and maybe a little tipsy, though not much---not enough to justify any weird behavior---and the team mother (not the coach's wife) said hi to me and I said "Hi!" and gave her a big smackeroo on the cheek. You know, like mwah!

I keep asking myself, Why the hell did I kiss her? I barely know the woman enough to say hi in the grocery store. She must think I'm such a weirdo. Plus, I already called her 'honey' one time, which was also weird, though not quite as weird as this. I told her I bought Jasper's Stride Rites at Marshall's and she said, "Does Marshall's carry Stride Rites? I didn't know that!" and I said, "Oh, honey!" in a weird way, like I was about to start calling her "girlfriend" (which I would never do, at least I don't think I would, but then I come out with these things and I don't know what I'm capable of). I may have said, "Oh honey, you better believe it," but I don't even know if I said that much. I think I just said, "Oh, honey!"

God, I am such a freak. FREAK!

But here's the good news. I heard a story that made me feel much better. Friend of a friend (no, really, not in the urban legend sense) goes to a company party last weekend or the weekend before. Big blowout party. I'm not going to tell you who she works for, but it's a huge ... um, public-interest organization that you would have heard of. So she's there and everybody's getting toasted, including this VERY high-level manager, who confides in her that not only was he abducted by aliens, but they have been stalking him ever since.

Hah!

Needless to say, this chick is a major gossip. I wouldn't even tell her my middle name, much less that I had been abducted by aliens. (That joke is funnier if you know my real name. Hint: It's a Southern thing.) Oh, and when the woman went back to work on Monday, and she saw the manager guy, he was "very cool" to her. Sure he was! He would have been better off kissing her! He could have swabbed her tonsils and come out of it looking better!

So after I heard that story, I felt much better. And when I went to soccer practice, the team Mom was really nice to me, warm and chatty. So I guess she didn't think it was unforgiveably weird after all. People kiss me on the cheek all the time and I don't think much of it. Unless they're ... you know, smelly or something. Okay, maybe not ALL the time. You know what I mean.

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