new old more book profile blog rings host

prev strong words next
2001-10-24 | 10:29 a.m.

I was rummaging around in some old notebooks and started looking at a sketchbook that I owned in the late '80s and inside, I discovered a letter from my ex, Brian, in which he expressed anger and frustration with me after an argument on Halloween. And even though this letter was written more than a decade ago, and of course I can't recall my side of the argument, it makes me feel like a jerk. I assume he's right about everything and I have to work really hard to remind myself that he wasn't always such a peach, either. But it doesn't work. I've convinced myself that I was impossible to live with or love, and still am.

I really do wonder if there is a man somewhere in the world who could fall head over heels in love with me and stay that way, more or less. I've always loved the idea of somebody being crazy about me---somebody I could love back. I feel so jealous when I hear men say romantic things in public about the women they love. Even if it's bullshit. Duff cannot say such things about me; he is physically incapable of it. He's just not made that way. Where I swing from "God, he pisses me off!" to "I'm so lucky to have him in my life!" he just stays pretty much in the same place, and his logic is circular: She is supposed to be here because this is where she is supposed to be. Not only that, his method is economical: She knows I love her because I already told her so. And of course, his very constancy is something I value highly---the possible alternative, someone whose moods swing as wildly as my own, is not a viable option. I like having a "rock" except when it comes to his inability to express (feel?) strong emotion when it comes to me. I know it's impossibly vain to hope otherwise, but this idea that I cannot inspire emotion is debilitating to me. It makes me feel like I'm already dead.

prev archive next
2 comments

if you're not reading mawm you're not reading me
random