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2001-10-12 | 5:08 p.m.

Confession: Sometimes I develop a crush on a man I've never met after reading an essay he's written. Indefensible practice, I suppose, but there it is. I mean, geez, how different is it from falling for someone you meet in a chat room? (I say that as if THAT has achieved some degree of respectability, which I'm not sure it has.) All they're doing is typing. Come to think of it, it's better than falling for some actor, who isn't even being himself when you're watching him (unless, of course, he's one of the actors who always plays himself).

I'm debating whether or not to say WHO I've got the crush on now. What if he traced it back to my diary? How embarrassing. But no--this guy will never find out. And I don't even have the slightest idea what he looks like, so you can't take me too seriously. Though to be honest, it wouldn't make all that much difference what he looked like, as long as he wasn't repulsive and didn't smell bad. I've always said that---that looks don't matter to me (certainly not as much as other criteria, such as intelligence, compassion, and generosity)---and I do mean it, but I've pretty much always ended up with men who were better looking than me anyway. Which is like a backwards-pride thing with me.

I have a lot of those backward-pride things. I need to be careful about backwards-pridefulness.

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