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2001-09-25 | 5:01 p.m.

I have been thinking a lot about what it is I would like to be doing. I'm thinking I'd like to try a real job. One with an office, or at least a desk, where I do something, and maybe I get out of the office once in a while.

It might be nice to be a beat reporter. Just cover something that I'm interested in and get good at it. Write medium-long stories that take a day apiece and don't kill me. Where can I get a gig like that?

Duff is supposedly going to apply to law schools and if he does, I will have to make more money than I make now. For me, that doesn't seem to be possible at home, where it is well nigh impossible for me to create a separate space in which to work. The kids are just all over me. (Literally--but that's a story I'll have to come back to later.)

I mean, maybe I could work at home and make good money, who knows. But I don't feel like I could just fly out the door any old time to cover a story. Not when my son will be three, four, five years old. And my mother isn't able to watch them as much as she used to. They scare her with their recklessness. So for this assignment I have tried not to have them go to her when I'm writing at home. I keep them here and grit my teeth. Only when I have to go in to the city do I ask.

What I really need is a babysitter and a running tab. But people don't seem to babysit anymore. They do daycare for a fixed amount of time. I guess it would be easier if I were friendly with my neighbors, but I'm not. I should try harder to check into these things. There must be somebody out there who would be willing to do occasional babysitting. Or at least babysitting that is less than full-time. Once John is in kindergarten, it would only be part-time babysitting anyway.

I want a job that's enjoyable and even challenging but one that doesn't fill me with stress. Something that I'm comfortable with, something I can get better at without being watched TOO closely. Of course, it's a terrible time to look for a job like that. On the other hand, if I had gotten a great job two years ago, I might have gotten shit-canned by now, which would feel even worse than not being able to find one.

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