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2001-08-21 | 6:07 p.m.

You know how religious conservatives don't want any of us heathens anywhere near them? Well, I can attest that the feeling goes both ways.

We've got 40 people confirmed for the girls' birthday party on Saturday. A full house. We even caved in and reserved a "jump house" or whatever they're called for the backyard. (We had to do something to make sure we didn't have all the kids in the house at the same time for very long.)

The thing is, Criminy and Felony are two very different social animals. We have family friends whose kids tend to gravitate toward Felony. Then there are kids from Felony's class who we've hung out with over the course of the year, and naturally enough they tend to gravitate toward Felony, too. So even though Criminy has fun with all those kids, she thinks of them as Felony's friends.

The other day, we were talking about food for the party and Criminy said, "I think my friends would like to eat white frosting, not chocolate." And then I realize that she means kids from her class, of which I have invited just one--who also tends to gravitate toward Felony. Yikes! I realize that even though it seems like I have invited the whole world to this party, I still need to invite some of the kids from Criminy's class. So it will feel balanced to her.

But this is easier said than done. I called her teacher, but the teacher is on vacation. Then I find out that the teacher's phone is out of order. I e-mail her, but she only checks her e-mail once in a while. Days full of nothing roll by. The party looms. Finally she calls today with three precious phone numbers. There is one child I must try hard to get, and that is the only child in our wide circle of acquaintance who would always choose Criminy over Felony. That child's name is Faith.

Faith is the sweetest child you'd ever care to meet. But her guardian, I quickly discovered in casual conversation, is an angry Republican. I know it's selfish, but I can't help thinking (imagine whining tone here) how much I don't want any cranky right-wingers at the party! Because setting aside the politics, which is admittedly hard for me to do, angry Republicans are just no fun to be around. I don't care what P.J. O'Rourke says, they are NOT party animals. At least not the ones I've met. In my hearing, they have a tendency to bitch, piss, and moan about what's wrong with the country, the government, and various kinds of people who are not like them. They're so SOUR. I don't want them in my house. I don't even want them to know where I live.

But then there's Criminy. My little just-turning-six girl who might be sad if Faith isn't there to play with her. I must try to get Faith. Even if she can't come, if I can at least say I invited her, that will count for something with Criminy. So I get the phone number from the teacher, and I call.

I get the answering machine. I recognize the guardian's voice ticking off the family members who are not available to take my call, and then she encourages me to leave a message, and ends with a flourish: "God bless you."

It would be an exaggeration to say that the phone burst into flames, or that I had a seizure at precisely that moment, but it conveys my state of mind. Instantly I wanted to hang up the phone. I had to force myself to begin speaking. When the message is played back at the angry Republican homestead, there will be a long silence at the beginning, which is the sound of me arguing with myself. Of course they have every right to put this on their machine, but I take it as a kind of warning, too. They are putting their beliefs out there so I will know about them. I should be appreciative and take the hint, heed the warning. But what about Criminy and her needs? She deserves to have one friend at the party who is all hers. Doesn't she? And now I've gone and left the message, because I thought it was the right thing to do. And the worst part is, I regret it.

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