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2001-07-23 | 1:08 a.m.

Just downloaded the "Chicken Dance (Techno Remix)." Not to worry---I have a plan.

Spent the weekend broke and homebound. Typical sturm und drang lite with Duff. Tonight he pointed out that he had finally torn out the weeds growing in the sidewalk in front of our house, something I had been wanting to get done for ages (I tried to do it myself once, but without tools, which didn't work). Anyway, he had done it and he showed me and I said, facetiously, "Awww, you did that for me?"

And he said, woodenly: "No, I did it for myself." More than woodenly; more like Dolph Lundgren. Then he saw my expression and caught himself---like a politician---and said, "I did it for us." And gave me a chaste little kiss for the neighbors.

How hard would it be to play along from the beginning? Don't let her think for a minute that she is loved! Sometimes I honestly believe he is trying to disabuse me of the notion that we might be romantically involved. God forbid I should become too comfortable in this relationship. Am I imagining things? Maybe we are not really together at all. Maybe this is just one tragically long pity date, like in Jerry Maguire.

You've heard of couples who take separate vacations? We watch separate movies. He watched Poor White Trash, which I could not finish, because I get a stomachache watching dumbass caper movies, and I consider that to be an unnecessary deployment of cancer-causing anxiety agents. Meanwhile, I watched The Wedding Planner, which was (as I expected) wholly without merit, and yet another example of wasted location dollars. (Why bother to shoot in San Francisco if you're not really going to shoot in San Francisco? Why?) But I can't really complain because it was one of those "if we don't have it in stock, you rent it free" deals. And I also watched 28 Days, along with Felony (who now wants to watch every grownup movie with me), which was okay, though I suspect the ending must have snapped off on the way home from the video store (actually, Bambi rented them both and loaned them to me, but that is not germane). I had to keep explaining everybody's addictions to Felony, and what rehab was, and why they were there, and so on. If you watch an adult movie with a five-year-old, you are constantly reminded that they don't know anything. Tabula rasa to the max, if you'll pardon the '80s vernacular. And I didn't approve of the way Elizabeth Perkins ended up apologizing to Sandra Bullock when it's Sandra Bullock we've seen behaving like a big beastie all through the movie, with never so much as a whiff of Perkins beastliness. What was that supposed to be, a revelation? Well, it didn't work for me at all.

Well, since I have stayed up too late, Diane will undoubtedly call for a ride in the morning. If I had gone to bed at 10:30, she would have gotten a ride with someone else. I'm very superstitious that way, you know. I wish I weren't.

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