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2002-07-02 | 12:26 a.m.

Well I have tried being a new me for a while now and I'm sitting here thinking that I'm ready to go back to being the old me. I tried on some new problems and it's been interesting, really, but now I'd just as soon go back to being a lazy, irresponsible bum whom no one is particularly interested in figuring out. I'm just a person who will likely never achieve anything. It's my destiny.

The therapist is trying to talk me out of my most closely held dream of what my life might be like given the perfect conditions. To wit: I want to be alone, doing my own thing, with nobody bothering me. To me this doesn't mean "without my children," it means autonomous. I try to explain this but somehow he doesn't follow me. He wants me to see the flaw in my thinking, wants me to find the middle road. Who do I look like, fucking Chrissie Hynde? Fuck the middle road. Everybody else is already there, sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, listening to talk radio. I would rather walk through the mud and be miserable, if that's what makes me happy.

Perhaps I misled him by letting him think that I was interested in solutions over everything else. But as my position becomes more embattled, the only thing I can grab onto is this idea that I am not willing to compromise myself to please or appease other people. I can pretend otherwise, but this is one of the foundation blocks of my personality. I would not recognize myself without this idea. How can he be so certain I'm wrong about this?

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