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2002-06-18 | 11:16 a.m.

He gave me a prescription for Adderall. Couldn't seem to fathom why anyone would hesitate to improve their productivity by taking a Schedule II narcotic. An amphetamine capable of causing heart arrhythmia, sleeplessness, receding gums, shortened stature (!), hallucinations and psychosis. Oh, he didn't mention any of those things, but I've done my research and I know amphetamines.

When I admitted that I had used meth on a daily basis in my twenties, he didn't even slow down. All he wanted to know was "Why?"

"Because I loved it," I said, truthfully, but also tailoring my answer to his needs. I knew he would instantly decide that I'd merely been self-medicating my ADD symptoms. I read all their (not terribly scholarly) books, so it was easy to anticipate him.

I felt guilty after I left his office. How much of the interview had been me dramatizing my symptoms? Letting my gaze drift away and out the window until he would bark at me--"whut!"--like a Schnauzer. How much of that was real, and how much of it was me putting him on? I read a LOT about the symptoms, and I am a natural actor and mimic. Yet I also know that these symptoms--distractibility, disorganization, difficulty focusing my attention, difficulty staying on task, difficulty starting and completing projects, profound procrastination, forgetfulness--are a real part of my life when I am not putting on a show for anyone. Still, I felt weird about it. I guess my only consolation must be that I could not have been completely natural with him if I had tried. I'm pretty incapable of it. Unless I am dead tired, and even then it isn't a natural me; just a tired me too tired to present myself in any particular way.

So here's the thing. Adderall was once known as Obetrol, and Obetrol was an appetite suppressant prescribed for weight loss. It was one of the diet drugs that doctors over-prescribed in the seventies. Andy Warhol reportedly took Obetrol twice a day, from the mid-'60s up until the day he died. Hmmm, maybe he was self-medicating his ADD. (Does anybody recall his cause of death? It was all very hush-hush at the time.) You can't get Obetrol for weight loss anymore, because the FDA has curtailed the number of amphetamines that can be prescribed for weight loss, but you can get Adderall for ADD.

Are you with me here?

Let me be very honest. The odds are very remote that I won't try it at all. Because I loved speed. I loved everything about it except for the physical deterioration and the fact that it turned me into a hallucinating, cold-hearted, paranoid monster. Now here is somebody saying, you can take speed and not be a monster. You may take this drug legally and be guilt-free. We WANT you to take it, and we will monitor you while you are on it. If the dosage seems too low, we will give you more. In small doses, I can't help but wonder if it could be helpful to me. Maybe I could stay focused and lose a few pounds in the short term, too. How can I resist that? I would have to be seriously granular to walk away from such an offer. I say this even though part of me still thinks this whole business is a racket. There is no way in hell, for example, that I would ever let any kid of mine take Adderall or any other amphetamine to keep them focused on their schoolwork. They would have to be so out of control that they were either a danger to themselves or I was a danger to them (because I was ready to kill them).

But I am not anti-drug enough to say no to this offer. There is a little spark of hope down inside me that wants to believe, in spite of my misgivings. Even though, on reflection, my misgivings are almost always right. But if I don't try, I'll never know for sure. So I know I'll do it. And I will rely on my friends to tell me if I start to take on an edge. Are you listening, guys? I need you to tell me if I get too rrr-rrr-rrr. Okay?

I predict that I'll go on it but won't be able to stay on because I'll get freaked out about something physical and want to stop. Then I'll have trouble coming off and it will be a bit of a deal. I just can't imagine going on this stuff and continuing for the rest of my life. Good heavens. So why start? That's what I should be asking myself, but I'm just not there yet.

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