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2001-06-03 | 12:30 a.m.

It's 12:30 a.m. and I just got back from Frank and Fiona's. No, scratch that---I just got done unclogging the bathroom sink after coming home from Frank and Fiona's. Apparently Duff or one of the kids took out the long stopper that pulls down the plug, but no one got around to plunging it.

Duff and the kids are asleep. Duff might have gone to bed angry; I don't know. But when I was standing at Frank and Fiona's door to go home, we started talking about our relationships and the next thing I know, we're having this long conversation about their problems, which turns into an argument about money. Here's the situation. Both of them are incredibly talented. Frank is undoubtedly one of the best writers in the country, but he has no knack for self-promotion. Instead he's got this weird bohemian libertarian streak that prevents him from being an ordinary citizen. He can't bear to be reined in by society. But once in a while he is so stubborn about it he is like a petulant child. He just started paying taxes a couple of years ago (what a nightmare). He doesn't have health insurance, he's not frugal. If he gets money, he rewards himself. He'd probably be okay if he made more money but the last couple of years have not been good for him. He's been in a rut.

Okay, so then there's Fiona, who comes from an extraordinarily wealthy, high-achieving Asian family. Her big rebellion was to become an academic instead of a doctor or a lawyer. She is an academic star---she got some kind of Macarthur grant, for example---but she gets frustrated. She compares herself to her family and friends and it bothers her that Frank has not made more of himself, that he doesn't care about money, that they don't save for the future, that he won't budget with her. She particularly despises his profligacy. But he absolutely refuses to sit down with her and talk about it. When she brings up money, he says "it's poison." He gets angry and sick at heart because she always comes back to it and it becomes this ugly wedge between them. He says, bitterly, that what he needs to do is make more money, but that's not really it. She wants him to make better use of the money he does make, but it seems like he's never going to do that.

I made the suggestion that since he doesn't like to be bothered with accounting, when he does get a check, whether it's $50 or $50,000, he should give her half of it (or 40 percent or 25 percent or whatever), to save and put toward household expenses. Then the rest of the money is his to use at his discretion, and she gets her nest egg and feels like he is making an effort, regardless of how much money he makes. This is what I've been doing (or trying to do) with Duff.

Immediately, Frank dismisses the idea. He refuses to consider it. This after insisting that money means nothing to him. He alludes darkly to other problems that he is keeping to himself. He says the only possible solution is for him to make so much money that he can buy a house and give it to her outright. This is the kind of childish crap I always resort to, so I'm especially aggrieved to hear it from him. Frankly, the whole business has me so upset that I burst into tears. I'm mad at them both for not hearing each other better and at Frank for not giving my idea any thought. When he walks out of the room for the umpteenth time (he is trying to stop the conversation from happening, while she needs to vent her feelings), I tell Fiona, "I would shovel money into a flaming furnace if I thought it would solve my problems."

It's weird because temperamentally, I'm much more like Frank, and see his side much more than hers, yet I seemed to be siding with Fiona. He is in a bad position right now, being broke, but it's not a permanent condition. He will make money someday. Maybe a lot. And right now, it's hard for him to be criticized when he's trying but having a hard time. Don't kick me when I'm down.

Anyway, when I started crying that changed the focus of things (Duff might have said that's just my standard tactical move during any argument). I got out of there quick and cried in the car all the way home. Just felt so frustrated. They are so lucky to have each other and yet they can make each other miserable so easily.

One thing I learned tonight is that I would make a lousy therapist. Can you imagine a therapist listening to a couple argue and then bursting into tears? Glad I didn't go into that line of work.

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