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2002-05-17 | 7:51 a.m.

Something happened. I always want to write that, but another writer got there first.

I think I did not get elected to the dumb committee. Which is good, because I didn't want to be on the committee. But also annoying, because that means they didn't vote for me.

But who wants to be elected to something when you can't make a speech? Your reputation precedes you. Scary.

I told you, I'm a megalomaniac.

No, really. I went to the school's spring program last night and wanted nothing more than to get up there and show them how it's really done. These kids couldn't sing, dance, act, or recite poetry for shit. They lacked expression. They needed me. But what am I supposed to do with all this talent? There are no talent shows for middle-aged nobodies. Star Search wouldn't return my calls even if it were still on the air. I'm not glamorous enough to make the cut in the Mrs. America contest. And even if I were drop-dead gorgeous, I'm not married.

The only thing that's left for me--and even this is a slim hope--is the chance to play bit parts, like motel clerks and game show contestants, in independent films.

Someday I may sign on with a talent agent in the City. You don't believe me but I have always had the jones to act. I just stopped doing it because I think actors are generally stupid, and that it's a stupid profession overall, and I hate getting up super-early in the morning, not to mention being judged harshly on appearance. But other than that I'm up for it.

Today is the parent volunteer party at school. School is winding down at last, and I am giddy to know it.

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