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2005-10-21 | 1:48 a.m.

Feel sad lately about people. I have friends, I know so many people, but... I don't know. I just like to be around people with whom I can be 99 and 44/100ths percent pure me. I may be romanticizing, but it feels like the only people I can do that with are long-distance. And I hate the damn phone. I like to be in the same room with my friends. I like to hug them, touch them, pat their hands, play with their hair, sit side-by-side on the couch. (I suppose I'm making myself sound like a real weirdo.) I like knowing I can say the first thing that comes into my head, even if it's not true, and they won't give me up because of it.

The friends I have around me now are different. Almost all of them I've met through my kids or because I have kids. I'm talking about some truly wonderful women. But it's so hard to nurture these friendships. Each attempt is so fleeting, and then there are these husbands getting in the way. (When I was a kid, there were always parents to contend with; spoiling our fun. Now it's the damn husbands.) And even as much as I want to, part of me holds back at the same time. I feel as if I could never reveal my true self to anyone I know here. At least not all at once. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not sure...I don't know. They tell me they want me to stay, but sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to go home. I don't know why. I often leave because I think I'm supposed to, even though no one is making me go.

It's possible that I only feel comfortable in my own home, even though it's too messed-up to have anyone over. But then, I think they also feel the same way. Even if I could get the house in good order, would they stay for hours? I want my friends to come over and stay for hours. Stay until it's dark outside. Stay so long I offer them the couch.

Everybody's so fucking busy. And I'm not making a whole lot of sense, either. So I'll go to bed and try again tomorrow.

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