prev so then what next
2002-05-06 | 7:49 a.m.

Hard to be such a muddle-headed person. Can't come up with a single idea that I can't then prove untrue. When I pick up the converse, it too is untrue. So then what?

Hard to convince myself that I could be a writer of any import when I can't hold on to a single idea. I speak, and as soon as I hear the words, I know it's not true.

I see myself hiding out. Averse to contact, avoiding simple obligations. Feeling ready to go deep. At the same time, I'm very afraid of it. What if I can't come back? Forget to pick the girls up from school? I get worried, then I remember that the kids will be out of school soon for the summer. So maybe this is exactly the right time to do it. I won't have to be in this constant distracted state of low-level panic, wondering what time it is, and where I'm supposed to be NOW.

(I really hate being on their school schedule. I worry sometimes that the only reason I want to homeschool is to let myself off that particular hook; that it's all for selfish reasons, but it isn't quite true. I know that whenever I spend any time with most anybody else's kids, especially teenagers. And right now, being wishy-washy and unsure about what I'm going to do brings on the self-loathing. Every single friend I've mentioned it to, homeschooling, has had a negative reaction. That freaks me out, but then I also think, Whatever happened to 'I don't care what other people think'?)

We agreed I could clean out the back closet, install a low shelf, try to write in there. My own private sensory-deprivation tank. If/when this happens, I don't expect to be coming here as much, or using the computer generally as much as before. My plan is to try writing by hand (I know it will frustrate me but it will also help tame the` verbosity, which I dislike), typewriter, and--if I can get hold of one--by notebook computer. But sitting here all the time dissipates my focus.

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