prev I confess, I confess, I confess next
2002-04-22 | 12:32 p.m.

I take gristle out of my mouth and throw it directly in the dog bowl.

That is the kind of person I am.

I drink milk out of the carton when no one is looking.

I pick my nose when no one is looking.

I have achieved superior control over my burping and farting, though I also believe that farting in bed is "allowed." And wow, do I make them count. Sometimes I wake up and squirm around and fart for a full fifteen or twenty seconds. Think of jungle cats calling to each other as the sound of susurrating hoofbeats from a herd of gazelles approaches.

Sometimes I eat food that has been sitting out all night. I tell myself, in a chipper way, "I'll just nuke it!" as if microwaving were known to magically undo putrefaction.

I used to wonder why my grandmother smelled like that, and now I smell like that.

I don't know why I'm talking about this.

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