new old more book profile blog rings host

prev orange crush next
2002-04-16 | 2:13 p.m.

I'm having a weird life. First I threw a party and no one came. Okay, that's a metaphor, but you get the general idea. Second, I'm feeling strangely crushy over someone who recently resurfaced out of the past. I know it's I'm-okay-you're-okay to feel this way, though it's sort of embarrassing, too. Nothing will ever come of it. It's silly. When I see him, I won't betray the crush. I may not feel anything. Sometimes crushes are like that; they can survive only in the imagination.

When I was in seventh grade, I had a crush on this ninth-grader in my French class. And another girl in the class accused me, in the loudest voice humanly possible, of "MAKING GOO-GOO EYES" at this fellow. She wanted to embarrass me because she thought it was funny. It is funny, but not when the guy is in the same room with you.

You see that I'm still not over it. (Her name was Theresa; I still remember it. Ten years later I saw her outside the UC Theatre--she looked exactly the same--and I thought about saying hello, but didn't.I doubt she would have remembered me.)

I thought I had been pretty good at keeping my crushes a secret up to that point, and being exposed that way made me paranoid about it. After that, I never wanted anyone to know I liked him. I became ultra-secretive. I would rather go unnoticed than be rejected, and that's exactly the way it was for a long time.

In college I became more confident and loosened up enough to initiate relationships.

Anyway, the other weird thing that happened today was that the girls' school principal left a message saying that someone had recommended me for a school committee. Do I want to be on this committee?

I don't know, do I ever want to do anything?

I asked Duff to pick up the list of "health care practitioners" from work and bring it home so I can look it over. That was our code for mental health professionals. I am taking baby steps toward seeing a therapist.

When I think about seeing this person again that I haven't seen in so long, it's similar to what you might feel contemplating your class reunion. I'm very conscious of what I haven't achieved. I don't think he really cares what I've done or haven't done, but it bothers me.

prev archive next
0 comments

if you're not reading mawm you're not reading me
random