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2000-04-20 | 10:45:24

Had the dream again. That sounds so dramatic--let me re-phrase. Last night, I dreamed about being in love. I've had many variations on this dream. I dreamed that I was being squired around town (not just any town, but a ship, a plane, and a fabulous city of twinkling lights, a house with endless rooms) by a handsome man who was crazy about me. It was a new relationship, I was still wary and shy; he was confident, loving, encouraging me to free-fall into him.

I was trying. I was almost there, letting go, believing in him. That's really what love is for me: a matter of faith based on a trickle of small miracles. No wonder women fall for con men. (Not just women, either; look at Mack, drooling over his false Internet goddess.)

We had dinner at a nice restaurant in the city of lights and he came up short of money. His plastic check card was refused. How could this be possible, when I knew he was rich? "I just switched most of my cash into another account," he explained. It sounded fishy, but I believed him. (After all, this had just happened to me earlier that evening, at Fresh Choice with Duff, only without all the romantic overtones. Funny coincidence, eh?) "Surely you left $50 in an account somewhere?" I said as he handed me another card, which in turn I handed to the cashier. I also said, "Why is it that I always end up with men who have plenty of money but nothing to spend on me?" That was a snarky thing to say. The charge went through this time.

Why didn't I just pay for it myself? I felt I couldn't afford it comfortably. But more than that, I wanted him to pay, to show me that he would take care of me and be my Daddy. Is it a Daddy dream, a love dream, or both? It feels so good when I'm inside of it. I could stay there forever. I wake up yearning for that kind of love, not sure if it's still within the realm of possibility.

Jeez, I hate to have a Diaryland entry that reads like Robert James Waller, but this is where I am today. I promise not to use the words "love" and "dream" (and "miracles" no less!) in such close proximity for many entries to come.

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