prev Chatty Catty goes to the Oscars next
2002-03-27 | 12:04 p.m.

Okay, you want to talk about the Oscars? Let's talk about the Oscars. Only I only want to talk about hair. Okay, a few others things, too, but mostly hair. Nothing about movies, though.

Tom Cruise I shuddered when he walked onstage. It's true that I don't like him, but I really thought he looked terrible. His hair didn't look styled, it looked unwashed and unkempt. That combined with four days' growth of beard made him look like someone you'd see outside a soup kitchen. If I could have told him anything at that moment, it would have been take a shower.

Gwyneth Paltrow I have read quite a bit about Gwyneth's dress, or more specifically about her breasts, so I feel compelled to comment on that first. Someone around here said that, well, that's what real breasts look like. True enough. However, I think the dress was too revealing for a formal and vaguely serious occasion. Even setting aside that criticism, the dress was unflattering. It made her look like she was slouching when she wasn't. She also wore too much eye makeup. All of this in combination with the German barmaid hair made it seem as if she were going for a Prizzi's Honor-era Anjelica Huston look.

Julia Roberts I thought her hair looked odd last year, but at least it was dressed and sleek. This year, the most highly paid actress in film wore a hairstyle many stylish women wouldn't wear to the laundrymat. Uniformly crimped and sticking out from her head at odd angles, her hair looked like nothing more than uncooked Top Ramen. Actually, if Peter Jackson had worn his hair up, it would've been the same 'do.

Cameron Diaz This is how you wear your hair when you are helping Julia Roberts at the laundrymat. I wasn't crazy about her dress, either, but she insisted it was really her, so I guess we'll have to live with that.

Jennifer Lopez Her oversized bouffant looked like an inside joke, but something tells me that's not the effect she was going for. As retro styles go, this one seemed strangely out of date; more late '50s than late '70s. I think she'll come to regret the dress, too. It was too tight; she looked stuffed into it.

Barbra Streisand Criminal. She has had this hairstyle for, what, a decade now? Except now it's straighter, blunter, and less flattering.

Sharon Stone This was some sort of ode to Kristy MacNichol. Something to say, I was a teenage tennis ace in 1980, growing out my Dorothy Hamill wedge.

Robert Redford Shall we assume that Redford has had plastic surgery recently? He looks perpetually surprised, where once he was rather squinty. I liked him better squinty.

Nicole Kidman A lot of people have complained about Nicole Kidman's dress, but I tend to disagree. I wasn't crazy about the pale color, but with its flirty ruffles and with soft curls framing her face, I thought she looked elegant and slim without looking like an emaciated society matron (as did Renee Zellweger, Jennifer Connelly, and countless others). Trop de chignons this year----save it for old age, girls.

Faith Hill Yes, she is pretty, but does it make up for singing off key?

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