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2002-03-11 | 11:56 a.m.

Here's proof that Diaryland plays a larger role in my life than it probably should: I feel as if I am letting down D-land troop leaders Lobotomybabe and Derringdo by saying so, but I told the family last night that I'm not sure "we" will be able to keep up with Girl Scouts. The cookie sale just completely kicked my ass, for one thing. Usually they just do one Try-It per meeting and it's often boring. And did I ever tell the story about the time I tried to hurry up and put all their patches on in time for their induction ceremony with Stitch Witchery hem tape (on the advice of a self-proclaimed tailor at the fabric store, grr), only to have the patches start popping off in the car on the way over? So then I had to try to sew them on in the dark, as we drove? Well, I haven't sewed on a patch since then. I'm avoiding the troop leader because I owe her money for (you guessed it) more fucking patches that I won't sew on.

I don't think we make a particularly good fit in Girl Scouts. Or at least in our troop. All the other girls seem so wholesome and sweet, but when my girls put on their oversized blue shirts and brown vests, they insist on wearing the shirt untucked, which makes them look like federal prisoners. Actually, in her bell-bottoms and with attitude to spare, Felony looks EXACTLY like a vocational school chola hairdresser.

And it's not just looks. Maybe it's just my outsider mentality at work, but I really do feel different from the others. All the kids in the troop are white, from middle-class two-parent families with late-model minivans and SUVs. My kids fit that description, too, I guess (though lately we can't quite keep up financially). But these girls seem so homogenous that I haven't even been able to learn their names----which is really weird for me, because I have a good memory for names. Nor have my girls learned any of the other kids' names, either, and they've been meeting with this troop since school started in September.

I know what you're thinking----I should make the decision based on what the kids want. But they don't seem to have a strong opinion one way or another. Criminy was disappointed, but nothing worrisome or histrionic, and Felony didn't seem to care one way or another. I did say we could finish out the school year.

I've been fretting about it a bit because deep down I suspect that my real reasons for wanting to quit are elitist in some despicable way that I'm not anxious to analyze. And also I worry that I am looking into activities more for MYSELF than for the girls, to make up for all the things I didn't get to do when I was a kid. But in my defense, it's not as if the girls are coming home saying, Hey Mom, there's a modern dance class on Tuesdays I'd like to try. They never find out about anything----it's still my job. And even then, half the time they're not even sure what I'm talking about. They're little! They don't know anything!

I try to remind myself that I said we'd try things and keep the ones we loved and let the rest go. I don't want to let myself feel too guilty about it all. It's not that big a deal.

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