prev my missing kid next
2002-02-19 | 7:31 a.m.

We decided to take the kids to a movie. Duff went to get some cash from the ATM and Felony went with him. I told Criminy and Jasper, �Okay, I�m gonna jump in the shower.�

In the shower, I imagine pulling the girls out of school and homeschooling them. An idyllic fantasy brought on by reading about a homeschooled 20-year-old prodigy who is a newly hired assistant professor at MIT. Out of the shower, Jasper is chattering with me and I am rushing around. Hurry, hurry. Need to make sure Criminy is ready to go.

�Where is Criminy?�

�I don�t know.�

Walk through each room, calling �Cri, Cri, CRI!� Upstairs, downstairs, basement. Front yard, back yard. Nothing. Screaming now, because where could she be? The whole neighborhood can hear me, so if she can�t, it must mean she�s hurt. She could be trapped somewhere in the house. I get panicked, unable to follow through on any action.

�Where was she, Jasper?�

�She was right there,� he says. �Now she�s gone. She just dis-dappeared.�

It doesn�t make sense. Where could she be? She was right there, on the step in the living room, putting on her shoes and watching TV. Move one direction, reverse. Pick up the phone, dial three numbers, hang up. Conscious of wasting time. No, call Duff, tell him to come home and help search. My fingers are shaking as I dial. The call doesn�t go through. Start running through the house again, beyond panic, my body flooded with andrenalin. I am a bad mother.

Footsteps on the front porch. As much as I want it to be her, I suspect it is Duff. Throw open the door, �Where is Criminy?� My voice is strange; breathing all off.

�She�s with me.� Nonchalant. Something explodes inside me. Shipwreck on the inside. I collapse into his arms, sobbing and choking out an explanation. He holds me and comforts me and reassures me that everyone is fine, then I sit down hard on the chair behind me. I can feel the adrenalin drugging me, making my arms ache. He had forgotten his ATM card and come back and she said, �Can I come, too?� and nobody remembered to tell me. This doesn�t become clear for another 20 minutes, so it still seems impossible, but both the girls come to my chair and let me clutch them and cry over them hysterically. Takes me a long time to calm down. Duff is trying to rush us so we can make the movie, which is completely incongruous to my state of mind. My arms and legs aren't working right and I can't find my glasses or my shoes. I finally end up wearing these absurd hand-me-down platform sneakers I got from my sister, who got them from Damien's girlfriend. I walk out to the car barefoot and can't get the enormous shoes on until after we park at the theatre. My hands are still shaking, legs still rubbery.

"I'm still a wreck," I say, fumbling with a shoelace.

�No more caffeine for you, Mama,� Duff says, trying to make me laugh.

prev archive next
0 comments