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2002-02-12 | 6:03 p.m.

Somewhere out there is a woman----maybe more than one; maybe many----who would look at my life and say, "My God! If that were my house, I'd manage to keep it clean! I'd gladly trade everything I have for THAT house, THAT man, THOSE children!"

But it doesn't work that way.

I do try to convince myself to be that woman, to see what I have with fresh eyes, and sometimes it almost works. But the trick never really succeeds. In the carnival of life, it seems, I won somebody else's prize.

I understand what it means to say "You never really appreciate something until it's gone." Am I always going to be this ungrateful person? Will it take calamity to set me straight?

***

Well, I did do something today to try to drum up some work. Last year I wrote to the book review editor of a Bay Area weekly and asked if I could review for him. He said, sure, give it a try. So I promptly got a book and then proceeded to struggle through it for the next four months. It was horrible. At the time, I never got in touch with him to explain ... er, what? That's the problem, see. What should I have said? "Uh, sorry, I'm halfway through this book and can't finish. Can I have a different book? I promise I'll make a good reviewer. I just can't finish the first book I ever tried to review for you, which, far from being foisted upon me, I actually requested." Anyway, I wrote him today and apologized and asked if I could have another chance. Maybe he'll say no. But I did make the effort. And I tried to write an engaging letter. Too bad I can't get a job writing engaging letters.

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