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2000-02-05 | 14:46:45

Duff says he loves me and as far as he is concerned, it is true. But being loved by Duff is like drinking at the cheapest happy hour in town: there may well be alcohol in the drinks, but you'll never get drunk from it.

He is so indifferent to me that he cannot bring himself to just sit in a room with me and talk to me unless he can justify it to himself by performing a second task or, rarely, because he believes I am unhappy and he must minister to me. In love, indifference, efficiency, and duty prompt his actions. Not exactly the makings of a soul mate.

Of all the things that bother me about Duff, however, it is that as he has grown older he has only become more attached to his gaming habit. He is truly a junkie. When he comes home at night, he fires up the game and expects to be on it every moment that he is not forced (and I do mean that literally) to do something else. I have to nag at him horribly to get him to do anything else. He plays while I prepare dinner and then comes to the table only after I call him repeatedly. If I ask him to help me get dinner ready, either by holding the baby or setting the table, he is as bad as the girls. He'll do it for a while, then go back to the computer to "check" what is going on, and then he's lost again and I have to start all over with the nagging. Sometimes he doesn't make it to the dinner table until the rest of us are finishing up. I've tried everything; talking to him rationally, berating him, ignoring him, and nothing works. He always has an excuse, or agrees with me, but then relapses.

It is stupid. I know that compared to some people I have an easy life and nothing much to complain about. But I always valued love very highly and now I wonder if I'm going to die without being loved again. Every day can't be Valentine's Day, and believe me, I try to convince myself that nobody has a happy relationship, but I don't believe it. I know people who have love and I want to be like them.

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