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2002-01-10 | 1:43 p.m.

All those dishes I ordered from Target finally arrived, and stuffed inside one of the boxes I found a gift catalog from GiftCatalog.com, an amalgamation of the Signals, Wireless, and Seasons catalogs. Inside the catalog I found a phenomenal diary-writing prompt etched on a pewter paperweight:

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Wow---the possibilities just started to hit me like the back of my mother's hand. (I'm joking; my mother didn't hit me. Almost never.) I'm going to make a list, but maybe before you read my list, you should make your own? Yeah!




1. Develop cures for all the painful, wasting diseases. Fatal first, then non-fatal. Then cure all the irritating conditions, disfiguring ailments, and mental illness. This will keep me pretty busy, but hopefully I can accomplish the rest of the list in my spare time.

2. Develop a non-intrusive, fail-safe, easy to use type of contraception with absolutely no side effects that could be manufactured so cheaply it can be distributed worldwide for free. Something that could be renewed annually, or every few years, like a library card.

3. Lead a national movement in favor of organic backyard and community gardens. Get Americans eating more veggies and less meat. (I know this sounds totally hypocritical given my own complete lack of garden and reliance on fast food, but if I can't fail, I can't fail---right?)

4. Lead a secondary movement away from conspicuous consumption---away from over-consumption of every stripe. "Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers..." I'm not yet advocating that we dismantle capitalism, but I think it's high time for capitalism to turn it's stereo down, if you take my meaning.

5. Get down to my goal weight. Fix my teeth. Wear trampy clothes and high heels once in a while.

6. Put my kids in the best school I can find.

7. Learn to sew my own clothes. Learn Latin and Greek. Read Proust in French. Learn advanced science and math so I can finish my undergraduate degree. Also finish my MFA if I feel like it (it doesn't feel like a priority today, but maybe another day I'll change my mind). Get a teaching credential, just in case.

8. Put one book in front of the other... Write the book for my kids. Then publish my new story. Then a novel. Then whatever else I want, on and on, until I'm dead.

Time to go, but at least I got a start on the list. If I have time later, I'll keep going with number nine.

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